Adultery Survival Kit

Adultery Survival Kit

Adultery Survival – The Road To Recovery

The road to adultery recovery can be long and lonely, but there is a place of hope.

An extra-marital affair needs to be fonfronted

Confront The Extra-marital affair Head-On

A member on Facebook Infidelity Support Group shared a beautiful post yesterday, in which she has challenged group members to ask themselves some tough, yet important questions. This group member is someone who has come a very long way since the discovery of her husband’s adultery. She has endured the pain and heartache associated with an extra-marital affair, and she has come out a much stronger and more insightful person (as many do).

She has given me permission to share her post. Please read the following thoughtful words from someone who has been there. Someone who has taken a devastating situation and used it to grow and learn about herself. I’m thankful to this group member for her exceptional post, and her contribution,

Following is her inspiring post regarding her road to surviving adultery:

“I come here to read posts everyday. I pray a lot for every person affected. I went through this nearly 8 years ago. My marriage of 34 years ended this past June.

There are many people here in very different places. I wish I had a “One Size Fits All” type of post to share. I don’t. All I can try to do is to get you to think deeply about the situation you find yourself in and ask a few questions. YOU have the answers … They are buried beneath all that hurt, anger and grief.

I challenge you to get in a quiet place and ask yourself a few hard and tough questions that will affect you (and your children) as you move forward.

There is an uncertain road to healing ahead of you. Affirm yourself and ask:

1. What are YOU worth?

2. What will happen if I stay? What will happen if I leave?

3. Have you identified and owned your part?

4. What has changed within you?

5. What do YOU want YOUR future to look like?

6. What do you do about “Self Care?” Are you eating good, nutritious foods and exercising? How are you sleeping at night?

7. How is your Self Image? (The role of victim should NOT be your role) Our self image has taken a big hit when adultery occurs. What other roles do you play each day that you are great at doing?

8. Where does your support come from? This group is a great start. Keep in mind that “Hurt People, hurt people.” There is a lot of hurt flowing here. There is also a lot of healing here along with great advice and encouragement.

I had come to realize that with our empty nest, my identity (codependency) was in being “his wife” – I am certain that was suffocating from his point of view. I did a lot of inner work, got counseling, went back to school, and I became a life coach. I have started traveling … I just got back from horseback riding on the beach. I surround myself with healthy people now. I have a great relationship with my kids and I have found my inner peace.

I take long walks and I talk to God everyday. I am learning about a thing called “Surrender” – It has not been easy, but I am making progress as I go along. Although we are divorced, I treat my ex with love and respect when I see him. It took me some time to get here too.

I hope nobody gets offended by this post. I am not trying to tell anyone how to feel or what to do. Each situation is as different as the unique set of people here. I just wanted to simply ask that you make some time for YOU. To put the hurt, anger and sadness aside for about an hour and really think about your future.

In my case, my ex had numerous affairs throughout our marriage. My heart got harder with each and every one. I finally got to that place called forgiveness and it changed “ME” – not him.

His affair woke me up to the woman I have always wanted to become. I should thank him one day!

Sometimes God breaks our heart for what is breaking His.

God Bless each and every one of you throughout your healing journey.”

I encourage you to take take her advice and set aside an hour to ask yourself these questions. Reflect upon where you are now and where you want to be.

Infidelity does not have to mean the end of your life.

Laurence

Adultery: How to Make it Through an Affair with Faith

Surviving adultery with a strong faith.

An extra-marital affair can rip your heart out, but even so you need to come to grips with, you are powerless over another persons behavior.

Adultery Survival

Post Affair Healing – Emotional Recovery

The following real life adultery story is from one of our readers, a father of four who endured the pain and misery of his wife’s affair after she met the other partner in a bar. After realizing he could not change his wife, he began to focus on looking within himself and relying on his faith in God to make it through. Read his story below:

A painful story about adultery.

My wife actually told me that she had met a guy in a bar and he had called her, but that was it. We were having marriage problems at the time and I just brushed it off. I later found out that it was more involved than that and found the cell phone bill. I was crushed, angry, and hurt. We have four children and I could not believe that she would do this to us. I found comfort in family and friends, but found myself wallowing in painful misery everyday re-living the hurt. My job was a mess and I couldn’t focus on anything. I went on the internet and read books. I confronted my wife and received empty promises. I went to church and started to study the Bible. I had a very influential person enter my life who got me to see that I could not change others but with patience and belief I would make it through. The battle was on and it became more a battle with myself than with control of the situation. These things take time…sometimes a long time but it becomes about you and that’s when good things start to happen. Nobody wants to be around weakness and in the end you will help your marriage by being strong. You just have to have faith that things are going to get better.

I reprinted one of the responses:

Dee Jay says:

I give you a lot of credit for being able to look towards God and develop a faith in him through all your pain. Many, many times I have asked “why me God?”, and many times I have lost faith because I felt as if I was being punished for something. Why did He create the circumstances that brought my husband and his latest girlfriend together? Why did they get more and more involved every time I asked God to tear them apart? I just kept remembering the quote “revenge is mine saith the Lord” so I left them alone. I have asked God to help me through situations where I might run into them together and so far He has done that much for me.
You are so right in your comment about battling yourself. My imagination has been my worst enemy, but slowly day by day it is getting better.
Good luck on your journey.

Very hard I will admit.  But just realizing that only God can change hearts will make your recovery from a spouses affair a bit shorter.

 Regards,
Laurence

Common Excuses For Adultery

Common Excuses your spouse can give for Adultery

 Hello.
I have heard a lot of excuses why spouses jump out of the bounds of marriage and enter into an extra-marital affair. I thought the following  article might help clear the air on adultery.

Kayjay Williams here, affiliate partner of Dr. Huizenga.

I was talking to a friend recently whose husband had gotten involved in an affair on her. Through her tears and frustration, she said something that stung me.

She said that when she found out, her husband turned things around and blamed her for the reason he had the affair.

Post Affair Emotional Reoveryy

After the affair – then comes the emotional recovery

Yup, you read that correctly. After he had cheated, he had actually blamed her for something that he had done. Which is what brings me to today’s message. I wanted to write, encourage and empower you today.

I wanted to remind you that an extra-marital affair is never the victim’s fault. It’s just a way for a cheater to feel better about things.

So here are a few common excuses that you may hear why your spouse got involved in an extra-marital affair.

 

“The way you have treated me lately is the reason I had the affair.”.

Translation: We have been fighting lately and instead of talking to you about it, I took the easy way out and fooled around on you. Now I feel really guilty and can’t stand it so I am taking the easy way out again and blaming you.

Surviving adultery

Just Learning That of an extra-marital Affair Really Will Hurt Everyone!

 “I did it because I thought you were cheating on me.”

Translation: I saw a phone number on your cell phone that I did not recognize, so I started to assume things. Instead of asking you about it, my jealousy and frustration got the best of me. I jumped to a conclusion and slept with someone to hurt you, before you hurt me.

“You don’t love me like you used to.”

Translation: I don’t love you like I used to. We have been so busy with our lives that we have neglected nurturing our marriage. Instead of working on things, I sought out comfort from someone else instead.

These three common excuses are just that – excuses. There is never an excuse good enough to justify cheating on the one you love. I know of no other pain worse than hearing that the person you love, was in bed with someone else.

It is not your fault. No matter what is said or done, you do not control the actions of someone else.

Your spouse has the ability to think and make decisions, and that is something that you need to keep in mind.

As I sat with my friend, she kept saying how she should have done this or she should have done that differently.

She said maybe she should have gone to that football game with him that one time, or maybe she should have shut her mouth during that one argument.

As I sat listening with a heavy heart, I kept wishing that I could have helped her before, and while this was going on. I wished that there was something I could have done.

Which is what brings me back to you and what I can do to help.

If you are feeling like something may be going on in your marriage that does not seem right, then you need to do something about it.

If you want help to bust the cheating and to deal with it, then all you need to do is take one little step and click here:

There is little I can do for my friend, but there is something I can still do for you.

Best regards,

Laurence

 

Post-Affair Emotions

Do you feel as if you no longer own your own mind—that you’re simply drowning in dark and ugly post-affair thoughts?

If you are the victim of an affair, you probably feel like you’ve received a near-mortal blow. The affair may have caught you completely by surprise, and your world has been reeling ever since.

You’re not alone in feeling you’ve lost control of your own thoughts. In this blog, Lets take a look at how you can begin to regain control of those runaway post-affair emotions—and take back ownership of your mind. …

Marriage restoration after the affair

Rebuilding The Trust in Your Marriage After An Affair

 

The Negative Post-Affair Thought Loop

If you were under the impression that everything in your marriage was going well, it feels even worse, because in addition to the betrayal, you’ve found out that you cannot trust your own feelings.

As the “victim”, you may feel like you’re going insane. In an effort to grasp the reason why your spouse would cheat, you are probably expending energy trying to comprehend what is usually incomprehensible.

You may be reeling with post-affair thoughts that include:

  • Not believing your marriage can withstand the strain.
  • Dark, ugly thoughts toward your spouse as a human being.
  • Questions about the paramour and why them over you.
  • Self-questioning of your own actions and efforts in the marriage.

Post-affair thoughts can include a negative, painful mix about the victim, about the cheater, and about the marriage itself. Everything begins to be defined in relation to the affair: it can color your entire world.

As you try to gain an understanding as to why the affair occurred, you may become hungry for details—which turn into a negative thought loop. You’ll have questions, which will create images, which will create newer, more disturbing thoughts, and next thing you know—your every waking minute is consumed with affair-thoughts.

You will continue to be haunted by negative thoughts until you take the necessary steps to handle what can feel like an overwhelming inner struggle.

Retake Your Claim On Your Mind To Save Yourself And Your Marriage

Your mind is your personal sanctuary, and only you can reclaim it.

You certainly don’t deserve this: a spouse who betrayed your trust and discounted your love and devotion. You may not be able to change the past, but you can change your future by managing your thinking.

It will take time, because negative thoughts seem to stick like glue.

When you are ready to repair your thoughts and regain control over what goes on in your head, you can start with these steps:

Step 1: Track your thoughts

Track your thoughts when they occur, identifying the negative ones.

What are they? What do they consist of?

Step 2: Uncover negative thought-loop patterns

Look for patterns as to when you experience negative thought-loops, or in other words, times when your thoughts seem to get stuck in a repeating loop of negative ideas.

Note when you’re having these thoughts, and where you’re likely to have them. Is there somewhere or something that triggers more negative thoughts than usual? Pinpoint those times and places.

Step 3: Break negative thought-loop patterns

Once you have discovered the patterns for when your negative thoughts are occurring, create actionable steps to break the pattern. By having a plan, you will be ready to interrupt the loop and therefore, the pattern.

Do anything that grabs your attention away from those thoughts and breaks the problem pattern. Maybe it’s a new bedtime ritual you need. Or, repeating a certain mantra or singing a specific song when these negative thought loops occur. This means you do something different than what you normally do, and get your mind to move in a different direction than the pattern it has become accustomed to.

Are you noticing any negative thought loop patterns?

Have you had excessive post-affair thoughts?

 

Imagine the freedom from mistrust, uncertainty and anxiety cluttering up your mind with fears and doubts of your spouse’s fidelity.

Imagine how it feels to kiss, hug and cuddle up with your spouse truly knowing that he or she is committed to you.

Imagine living a very happy and fulfilling marriage life with your spouse.

How would that feel? How much would it change your life?

 

This just might be the help you have been looking for to heal yourself and your marriage

Laurence

 

 

 

 

 

 

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