Adultery Survival Kit

Adultery Survival Kit

Post-Adultery Survival – Communication


Hello

Communication is at the root of almost all marriage extra-marital affairs.


 


And, needs to be treated first.

The first thing we need to look at if  you want to restore your marriage, after an extra-marital affair,  is you have to communicate.  And that communication needs to start with YOU! You need to get clear in your own head on what is really going on by ignoring all the noise. Forget the arguments, forget the fights and just get to the heart of the matter.

 

Post Affair Recovery

After An Affair You Need To Get Back To Basic Communication

You’ll have to be brutally honest with yourself here because what you’re searching for is the truth. You want to dig past the clutter and the excuses and pinpoint the true reason or reasons your marriage began to go south.

Don’t gloss over the little things, because often it is simply a combination of so many little things piled one on top of the other with no one ever going back to apologize and make things right that add up to one seemingly unmovable Big Thing.

Many times these small mountains of little things, too long ignored, make a marriage start to sour. If they keep adding up, things go bad a lot faster. So really think about the life of your marriage and be honest with yourself about what really happened. What were the core events or words that put a hitch in the smooth turn of the wheel?

Once you’ve pinpointed all the things you feel are the likely culprits for pushing your relationship to take a turn for the worst, your next step is to communicate with your ex. Let him or her know that you want to sort out all the problems, get them out in the open and talk about them so you can figure out, together, what went wrong in your marriage because you never want to repeat these mistakes again.

Here’s a valuable hint to remember during these communications: Discuss does not mean argue. If you can’t act like a mature, responsible adult for the duration of a simple, single conversation to help make your marriage better now, how can you possibly expect to have a meaningful, long-term relationship?

So the next step is to find out what he or she thinks started the damage to your relationship. The point is for each of you to know what the other feels caused the marriage to go bad so you both will know exactly what needs working on – by both parties – to fix the relationship.

Next, ask if your partner feels your marriage has a chance, if they are interested (like you) in trying to change things for the better, working together to build a better life together, and then decide if you’re both willing and able to do what you now know it will take to make the necessary changes and put the relationship back on track.

Communication is one of the cornerstones of all meaningful relationships.

If you haven’t been communicating with your spouse, that could be one part of the problem. Make sure he or she knows you now understand this and that from here on out, you will definitely want to discuss your problems with each other, as well as possible solutions.

Why? Because by doing this, by communicating openly and honestly with each other about your hopes, fears, expectations and whatnot, both of you will be better equipped to make your marriage much better than it has ever been, to make your relationship the kind that lasts forever.

Post-affair can be tricky as well as difficult without some guidance.  Take a look at this resource.
Best regards,

Laurence
 

Resolving The Ongoing Extra-Marital Affair *


Hello

Lets take a look at what steps you can take to resolve an ongoing  extra-marital affair in your marriage. 

“He/She has pulled the wool over my eyes before. But it seems like some of those traits are re-appearing.”.

These kinds of thoughts can keep you awake at nights wondering.  You can find yourself playing detective if you are not careful.  Watching every action like a hawk. Trying to detect any hint of ongoing adultery.

 

 

 

Post Affair Emotional Reoveryy

After the affair – then comes the emotional recovery

Well, your are not alone!

So, how can you get back to restoring your marriage?

How do you move ahead when in your mind the possibility exists that another affair could happen right under your nose?  This is a very difficult problem, and many people who are trying to recover from an affair in their marriage struggle with it.

Well, number one (1) there is now way to know for certain that your spouse will not cheat again.

The change has to come from your spouse.  And that change will be noticeable in his/her  character. This previous character flaw of lying, cheating needs to be changed from the inside out.  And to be truthful only they can do that.  As with my 28+ years of sobriety.  I never, never want anything to do with that previous life.   And, I never want any of it back.

They  need to be truly embarrassed and sorrowful for his/her behavior.  I wish I could turn back the clock, but I can’t.  Your spouse needs to feel that way also.

Next time, lets look at signs you can pick up on to determine if your spouse is still cheating. You really do need to feel safe and secure in your marriage for it to grow.  Living day by day just waiting for the shoe to drop is not good.

I have an excellent resource for you to look at that could be of some help you resolve this adultery/affair problem.

&t

Best Regards As You Struggle For Answers To This Painful Problem.

Laurence

Adultery Survival – The Lying

 

 How to Know Your Spouse Isn’t Lying

Take a minute and read this account.

“I’m having a hard time believing a word that comes out of his mouth,” said Ann. “When I think back to the time before I knew the truth of the affair, and how effortlessly those lies came when I’d ask why he was late getting home, well, I don’t know how I can ever trust him again. How do I know he isn’t lying?”

Ann found herself unsure of her ability to know the truth from the lying. She struggled with the blow to her self-esteem in being unable to know she was being deceived. Believing her spouse was late coming home for the reasons he gave had caused her to feel inadequate in protecting herself, unable to spot the lies when they first occurred.

“I can’t believe I fell for his ridiculous lies. Why didn’t I just know?” asked Ann, tortured by the memory of being a trusting wife, now feeling bad about herself for having faith in her cheating husband.

Ann didn’t do anything wrong. Anyone can be duped by a good liar. Even law enforcement and intelligence officials don’t get it right every time when it comes to spotting a lie. Yet, I have many people I counsel who want to know what the magic formula is for spotting a lie.

Once you’ve been devastated by the realization that a portion of your marriage was lived in a sea of untruth, it’s hard to know what’s real again. It’s only natural to yearn for the carefree relationship you may have once enjoyed where your spouse’s word was gold.

Adultery And Cheating

Adultery Is Violating A Trust.

 

Being completely truthful is the first step in regaining trust in your marriage. 

As a 28 year recovering alcoholic I can tell you trust needs to be earned and it will take some time.  You really need to earn that trust by being open and truthful.
Saving Your Marriage

As we journey,

Laurence

 

Adultery Tears At Your Self Esteem – Help

Nothing tears at your self-esteem and sense of well being more than an extra-marital affair.

The question is often posed to me by someone in the midst of a painful relationship upheaval: “What did I do wrong?”

Surviving adultery

Just Learning That of an extra-marital Affair Really Will Hurt Everyone!

 

You assume you failed. You ask yourself in the middle of the night, “What could I have done differently? If only I would have paid more attention, been less angry, been more positive, listened better, spent more time with” and the list of “If only I would haves” goes on and on.

You may feel terribly responsible for the affair and a part of you won’t let go of the idea that somehow, perhaps in glaring ways, you are to blame.

You kick yourself. You berate yourself. You want to turn the clock back. But, you can’t.

We often hear a suffering spouse utter or imply, “What’s wrong with me, that this could happen?”

You may believe that the marital or relationship crisis points to the reality that you are in some way defective and inadequate.

That sense of being defective or inadequate is finally brought, at least from your point of view, into the open. You as a person are outed.

It is exceedingly difficult to manage well and recover effectively from your marital crisis with low self esteem or shattered sense of self.

Help is available for you to  regain your self-esteem so you can get on with the job of healing and restoration.

Regaining your self-esteem  often occurs when you understand that you are neither totally responsible nor defective and inadequate but marriage of significant emotional investment provides a rich environment for self-esteem to get flushed down the toilet.

Consider:

1. Marriage exposes you.

There is a vulnerability in all of us; at least all “normal” functioning people.

In most relationships you control others’ access to that part of you. You can hide. You can pretend. You can avoid.

You may attempt to use that same strategy with your spouse, but events, words and strong feelings emerge that cut through your façade and touch on that which you try to hide.

Your humanity, idiosyncrasies and foibles are exposed. They may or may not be accepted by your spouse. They may be acceptable to a degree at particular times.

2. You are taught an unrealistic ideal

We also are bombarded from the media and other forms of communication, even well intentioned self help people, with an image of marriage or being married that flies in the face of reality.

I watch parts of the “Bachelorette” on television and cringe. Is this what it means to “fall in love” or “be in love?” Are most of us really that naïve, or do we get off on the silliness and superficiality of the show?

Or, is there a part of you that longs to be swept off your feet to some exotic place and live with that “love” for the rest of your married lives?

And so we believe that these beautiful people “have it.” And, we don’t.

We feel our emptiness, our frustration, our resentment, our loneliness and we think, “What’s wrong with me/us?”

3. We create roles

We also attempt to cope in married life by adapting and living different roles, thinking, “This is how I’m supposed to act in a marriage.”

The husband plays the role of the provider. The woman is the nurturer.

The man plays the take charge role. The woman plays the submissive and helpless role.

One initiates sex. The other receives sex.

One is the strong silent type. The other is the gregarious seductive vixen.

One becomes the parent. The other becomes the child.

Roles may work for a period of time or may last the length of the marriage. However distance is perpetuated and you never truly encounter one another, only the roles.

The strain of the roles is shattered by a marital crisis.

4. Unfinished business

We take into our marriages the unfinished business of maturation. The patterns and thoughts about self, others, marriage, sex, intimacy, abandonment, etc. we carry along and place at the feet of our spouse, usually unconsciously.

The marital crisis is often an outbreak of unresolved and unfinished business from the past and has very little to do with you, the hurting spouse.

Understanding the powerful dynamics of a marital relationship or relationship of deep emotional commitment may help gain your self-esteem, knowing that many forces are outside your control, responsibility or sense of adequacy.

Another factor or way of thinking powerfully influences belief in your self.  Get started today on restoring your self-esteem so your marriage will be happier for the both of you.

You need to take a look at this resource:

The Best To You,

Laurence

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